Time to reboot, recharge, and move locations!!!

I think one of the hardest challenges in life is finding out your were lied to, misinformed, and deceived from the very beginning. Told stories that were untrue, forced to develop judgments and misinterpretations of situations, and in the end, realizing that you can't go back to the beginning, fix the damage, and realize that none of it was true. The person that stole this past, who were deceptive for their own self gain, personal insecurities, inadequacy, and jealousy, was actually supposed to protect you, nurture you, make you a better person, but instead, took a part of your life you can never fully regain, and as an adult, leaves you wondering why you had to be the pawn in her hatred.

As a child I was extremely close to my father's side of the family...the Blizzard's could do not wrong in my eyes, I loved them all, spent as much time as I could with them, and dreaded leaving the warm loving arms of my grandparents, and into the loneliness that filled my childhood. I have very few memories of when I was no longer allowed over for sleepovers, when I was told I was no longer wanted, that my cousins were now the "favorites" and I was nothing. I do remember the timeline came soon after an argument between my mother and aunt--My mother is a gossip, a coward, and enjoys getting into everyone's business. When finally called on it, she did what she always does--defend, deny, and finally, make excuses. Her next move was purely out of spite and anger... It was a gradual separation, it didn't happen all at once..but, my weekend sleepovers went from every weekend to twice a month, then once, then, never again. I was filled with false information "they just don't love you the way they love your cousins, they don't want you over there"...I believed it, and for years, resented it.

I never understood why I was no longer wanted...and over 20 years later, I find out, that was not the truth. My grandfather passed almost 6 years ago, I can not go back and hear his stories, laugh at his jokes, or watch his "stories" nor can I go back to my grandmother making me oatmeal and turning on Sesame Street, and I can't go back to when I was in complete childhood bliss. I thank God I still have my grandmother, aunts, uncle, and father to help me reconnect with this lost part of my life, discover the misconceptions, and try to move past the time I lost and build the many more years ahead, but, there were so many years I lost at the hands of another.

It took a long time to ask questions, to reach out to the family I had been told didn't want me around...but after seeing my mother for what she really is, how quickly she turns, how quickly she lashes out, the false reality she has in her head---the hatred she has for my father, and for the last 14 years since their divorce, how she has forced me to choose sides. It wasn't until she became a heavy drinker that this person, this vile creature emerged, the way she was able to manipulate others, play the victim, and come up with the most outrageous stories and lies--she finally turned on me. I was now the outsider; she easily convinced others that I had betrayed her by trying to get her help for her alcoholism--brought up every moment in my life that she deemed unacceptable, and again, defended, denied, and made excuses. It was a bad flashback, how naturally it came to her to be this hateful person...the moments from my childhood when she told me she wished she had aborted me, when she forced me to grow up and fend for myself at a young age, when she would complain, argue, and push my father to breaking points. I finally asked the question I had never mentioned before....why did the Blizzard's suddenly remove themselves from my life? The situation was so similar...I had questioned her sincerity, called her on her inadequacies, told her to back off--and at the drop of a dime she turned... if she could turn on her daughter so quickly, had she done the same to others? The answer was hard to hear--because as it turned out, they had not removed themselves from my life, rather, they had been removed.

I wish I could say that all is well...but, it takes a long time to rebuild a life that was stolen. I vow to never be the mother that I had. I tell my children how much I love them every day, I admit my faults, I embrace my inadequacies, my mistakes, and I try to grow from each one. I will never deny things I have said or done, I will not make excuses--sure I've screwed up, I'm human! I am not perfect, I have made mistakes, hurt others, hit many rough spots, but, I have survived--I never chose sides during my parents divorce and have now grown much closer to my father as a result. I have reconnected with family members from the Blizzard family, confided, trusted, and begun new relationships as an adult. I will protect my boys from as much evil in the world as I can...including the woman that taught me how to hate, lie, deceive, and manipulate. I take her lessons and I throw them away, knowing that I can rise above what she is and what she has become. I am not a victim, I am a survivor....she will not destroy my spirit, my will, or my ability to know who I am, who I can be, and who I will be.

That being said, I it is time to move on to another chapter...meaning, it is time to throw away some of the old and come into the new. I will be creating another blog, I have already changed email addresses, and have filtered and blocked my social networks. I need to make my life accessible only to the people I would like to share it with. "Andi's Musings" will stay put, but,I don't find it necessary to add to it anymore--I will keep my friends and loved one's updated as to my next blog move and keep the subject MUCH more light hearted!!!

Until then..

Peace my bebes,

Andria