I am more awesomely amazing than you....just ask my mom

The minute you announce your pregnant, everyone is a child-bearing expert. It is like all of your relatives, friends, strangers, and Wal Mart employees have received their medical degree in obstetrics and cannot WAIT to share their expertise. I have gotten advice from the helpful to the "you seriously did that? How does your child not wear a helmet and run into walls--?" I generally take the opinions of others with as much seriousness as how to land a good job from a homeless man. Of course, these people, who mean well, are not half as bad as the one uppers---We all know these people and most of us, ARE these people.

Old men sit around telling "Big Fish" stories--"I caught myself a catfish that was 42 pounds--I swear". Women who have had a child emerge from their uterus brag about how much worse their morning sickness was, how much more weight they gained or how much less they gained, how much crazier their cravings were, how much longer, stronger, and more painful their labor was, and the worst, how much bigger their baby was. We scoff at those who had a c-section, they will never understand the true pain of childbirth since they did not pass a human through their vagina. To be fair, I have never been slit from ear to ear across my abdomen, I think I got the better end of the deal (and a scar unseen). My mother, she's a chronic one upper--the master in some sorts. Not only were all of her children huge, but, she held us all four years past her due date, experienced natural child birth (it wasn't by choice, she NEVER mentions that part), and I believe I was eating T-bones at 8 days old. I never realized my mother had the one upper disease until I started having children....I don't think I will ever be able to one up the one upper, I gave up trying (although, I now have 4 kids and she only had 3...HA!). Although, the funniest situation is when you get two one uppers in the same room together...get the pop corn, sit back, and enjoy (I did, minus the popcorn).

My mother and my mother in law were quite entertaining....both LOVE to tell stories (about themselves) and both are chronic one uppers. I sat and watched while both talked about their pregnancies, labors, deliveries, and rearing of their children. Michael and I were in a competition with each other in utero, the birth canal, and as newborns--I'm still not sure which one of us won. I was bigger at birth, but Michael ate more, my mom had the more painful labor (since I was bigger and again, the natural child birth), but, I believe Michael tore his mom a new anatomy part (that was way too much information). It went on for a short time...and to be fair, my mother eventually changed the subject. I believe I have acquired part of my mother's one upping sickness and have caught myself in a mental and verbal competition with friends and strangers. I'll admit, I have bragged about the fact I birthed an 8 pound preemie--feeling that I should win a prize for biggest baby born at 35 weeks. Mostly, I get a "that's crazy" and people go on with their lives. I guess the only people who really care are my mom and me.

If you can survive the child experts and the one uppers...you face one more type. The perfect mothers--they voluntarily experienced child birth (in their homes), they only eat and feed their families organic foods, clothe their children in name brands, limit or eliminate television and radio, are active in playgroups, reading clubs, la leche league or bottle feeders unite (although to be perfect, you would NEVER use a bottle...gfaw), they are members of the PTA, room mothers, sit sideline at all sport activities, dance recitals, their children are learning 7 languages, in college prep classes at 3, and will forever, remind you of how gifted their children are. I will NEVER be a perfect mom--I practically walked in backwards when I went into labor...better have that epidural waiting...labor is NO time to be a hero--if Cheetos will make Zachary stop eating glue, have at 'em--I love Target (Cisco is a name brand in my opinion), television and radio have helped me keep my sanity...although, hearing your 5 year old singing "hush girl, shut your lips, do the Helen Keller and talk with your hips" probably isn't my proudest moment--I've done the playgroup thing, but, this is where you run into the majority of one uppers and perfect mothers, I always feel inadequate and wonder if I should be the one buying my child a helmet for future use in wall running. I do enjoy reading--mostly it's US weekly, E! online, and PerezHilton.com, but, it still counts (and I am up to date on my John and Kate plus 8 gossip and the DJ AM overdose). I do nurse my kids (except the first, I'll get to that in a second), I was too impatient to wait in line to join PTA on parent night, I don't have patience (or the desire) to organize a Halloween party but WILL send brownies...fresh baked from HEB. Sean did t-ball when he was 4...essentially, I paid $100 to watch my kids play in the dirt and squish ants--never again. Hopefully NONE of them will ever be in dance classes. They sorta know English--although, I do question their terminology with some things. All three would love to go to college--but based on the school colors and mascot--not the actual educational benefits. Sean will be tested this year for GT--but, I'll be the first to admit...the kid can be a real moron.

The only debate and characteristic I have on being the perfect moms is my willingness and commitment to nurse my children (this also helps me with my one upping disease). I was 21 when I had Sean...I was told that if I chose to breastfeed, I would spend my days with a child attached to my boob, maybe get 2-3 hours of sleep a day, and my social life would be limited, since I couldn't eat or drink things I enjoyed. I'll admit, at 21, I was too selfish to dedicate my life to feeding with my boobs. I chose the bottle and have regretted that decision for years...Sean has been inundated with breathing problems, food allergies, ear infections, etc. At the age of 9, he suffers from asthma and has some hearing loss from an eardrum bursting when he was 4. When Ryan was born premature, I didn't think it would be possible to nurse, but, knowing that it may ward off the same issues Sean had, I was willing to try. It was a nightmare, Ryan never took to drinking straight from the tap--I ended up pumping for the better half of two months. I am proud to say, Ryan has hardly been ill and when he was 2, found out why he was never able to feed right--tongue thrust, which landed him in speech therapy, and made me realize I COULD nurse a child eventually.

When Zachary came along, I was bound and determined to nurse. It was terrible--it hurt like nothing I had ever experienced (even labor, yikes), but I wouldn't give up, I dealt with stripper boobs, painful boobs, shirts that didn't fit, pads that didn't contain the leaking, shirts with stains, and in the end, it was worth all of it. Zachary has been to the doctor once for an illness, it was stomach flu his brother brought home (and that was this past January). There was no question I would be successful once my 4th son, Sammy, was born. When he ended up in NICU, I was terrified I would have the same issues I had with Ryan. I had to spend the majority of his stay in the hospital hooked up to a pump (talk about feeling like bovine), and the day he got home, he was less than thrilled to have to work at getting his dinner (bottle is MUCH easier)--after four hours of tears (from both of us) and frustration, I gave in and let Michael give him a bottle of pumped milk. After a phone call to a good friend (who is a lactation goddess), she gave me some much needed advice and told me to be patient, it would happen--and it did, two days later :) I don't think Sammy would even know what to do with a bottle now, and it is wonderful.

For those that claim that it's "too hard", "I have inverted nipples", "I don't produce enough milk", "I'm not actually a mammal", whatever the millions of reasons I have heard--I say work at it, it will be the ONLY expert advice I will give, my true one upping moment I am proud of (and have real control over), and my perfect mom quality. I will not say that your bond with your child will be different (Sean and I are very close), your child will be smarter (Sean is EXTREMELY advanced, always has been), run faster (although, I should mention the wasted $100 on t-ball for Sean...not saying it's linked), or jump higher, but, I will say that it is the best gift you can give your child--and it's a hell of a lot cheaper (not only because I save on formula, but, prescriptions and doctor visits). The first week or two DOES suck--it hurts, you don't get all the sleep you want or desire, you will want to give up and switch to a bottle, shit, it's easier!! But, I have a one month old right now who has already doubled his birth weight, only wakes me up once in the middle of the night, smiles at me when he's done with the same satisfaction that Zachary once had. It doesn't get much better than that.

I know my mom will read this----I know you went through years of pregnancy with me, I weighed 47 lbs at birth, was 4ft in length, I ate steak the first week, and you felt "every inch of me"--but, look at what a prize I am today. You may be a one upper and a medical expert, but, you were NEVER the perfect mother--and for that, I say, Thank You. It has helped me realize I will never be, nor ever want to be perfect--I revel in the fact that through my mistakes I have learned to be a better parent as you did. For the rest of you, friends and loved ones--I'm probably speaking to most of you through this blog that are parents...admit it now, we have ALL been the victim and the bully with our stories and advice--I was just the first to write a blog about it.

Peace My Bebes,
Andria